Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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