Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
