Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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