Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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