She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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