unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
