My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
