mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
