Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
