I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize