So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize