apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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