so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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