I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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