i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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