Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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