Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
