you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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