Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
