my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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