Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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