even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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