What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
