it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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