I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
