He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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