I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
