she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
