i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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