I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize