it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
