I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
