Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
