I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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