My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Drunk is not a location!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
