So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
