Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
