12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Randomize
