Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
