If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
