but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
