so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
