Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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