you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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