I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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