Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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