I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
