We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
