something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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