I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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