I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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