no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
