i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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