i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
