I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
