I think I died a long time ago.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
