i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
